As we grow, we learn right? Well at least that’s how life is supposed to be for most people. One cannot be growing without learning. With every life phase, we are put into different situations for growth. Whether its outgrowing a job that no longer satisfy us, or a relationship that no longer aligns, or even our old belief systems that simply just starts to fall apart because our soul is no longer resonating to what was input into our system when we were growing up. A quote I saw recently made me ponder and brought some light of awareness to my current phase of life. There has been a sense of breaking out or breaking free of my own self, of my own fears and insecurities lately. Or to put it crudely, an awakening of ‘I just don’t give a fuck anymore.’ I never thought I was a people pleaser in the first place, but making the move to a new country had brought that up somehow. There was a fear of what if I don’t fit in, what if the community doesn’t like who I am or what I do, what if I don’t find any new clients or worst any friends at all? All these are rational fears mind you. They are real. For the first six months, we kept our heads down, minding our own business, building up our own new lifestyle, but I got tired of not having community. I started putting myself out there with my events, and boy was it nerve wrecking. The fear of not being accepted was pushed right into my face. I fret and worry about not having sign ups for events to happen, until one day I decided that this stress and fear was absolutely unnecessary. Back in Singapore, I use to worry and stress about it because I needed to confirm the studio space that I was renting for my events, so when the days got closer to event date and when minimum sign ups were not met, I felt my whole body tensing up and worries flooded in. I realised that the same was happening even here in my new life. I paused to ask myself why? Even when there is no stress of answering to a studio space owner, I worry about the lack of sign ups, about events not happening. To the point that I became unhappy when worrying. I needed this to stop, realising that my focus was put in the wrong place. Instead of focusing on the people who did sign up, I worry about those who didn’t appear. That didn’t feel right anymore. So I shifted my perspective to focus on those who did sign up and that’s all that matters. Of course, having my own studio meant I only have to answer to myself! So why am I torturing myself with unnecessary worries? That’s when the burden was lifted. I finally stop hustling to make the numbers, and just allowed whoever needed to come, come. There was a total sense of liberation with this realisation, and of course when the events happen with those people who arrive, we build amazing connection and energy in the circle that was meant to happen. Things flow beautifully.
Fear of non-acceptance happens everywhere, especially when one is new to a new environment. Perhaps even more so for someone who doesn’t conform to the norms of society. I am OK being a weirdo internally, and back in my own country and home, I really didn’t give much care about it. Somehow, being in a new country, new environment, I felt the need to want to fit in, or blend in, which is really strange for me, and now as I reflect upon it, is what is making me so uncomfortable in my own skin. The need to be accepted, or fear of rejection perhaps is creating a sense of restrictions of who I am, or can be. So lately I have been finding myself needing to ground back into my own body so much more to feel my sense of self, calmness and security within. The idea of being wanting acceptance had perhaps even made me fear saying no to certain things, but that created so much unease within me. It is not only when I finally come back into my body to feel what its like to finally say no, that does not sit with me, did my body regain that sense of relief and self-agency. Our body and mind innately knows what is good for us, and what is not. So when we sometimes make bad decisions or choices, the sense of unease arise within, and we cannot always pinpoint what it is, until we actually discover what was creating that unease in the first place. It is only when we set things right, make the right decisions, then the unease will dissipate. There is a difference in learning to say no due to what is not right for us, and saying no out of fear of stepping out of our comfort zone though. The difference is that one will bring unease, while the other will bring a kind of intense excitement, alongside with fear that we are not good enough to do it, but still do it anyway. Practicing the ability to discern which is which, is key to our personal growth in my opinion. Of course, it sometimes is not always easy to discern. Learning to listen to our intuition, and how it feels within our body with every decision we make is essential to knowing what feels right for us or not.
I am learning to trust in my gut every single day with the things I choose to do, from what to do with my limited time, to who’s showing their true selves to me. Trust is a big thing for me, and it was never easy for me to trust people because of previous engagements with people who broke my trust. I have experienced a fair number of trust breakers, and it made me come to the conclusion that I will NEVER trust someone who breaks my trust even one time. That is enough for that person to be cast out of my circle. As I grow older and wiser, the people who gets to enter my circle becomes more limited and exclusive. Discerning who I can trust, is something I am still working on in this current phase of life. It is definitely not an easy task especially everyone I meet now are new people, but I always give the benefit of the doubt that all humans are kind by nature, until proven otherwise. This is where self-agency comes in again. The ability to discern and decide who I can put my trust in and who I should not give trust easily. Trusting in my own intuition is also a work in progress, although I have had enough synchronicities to prove that my instincts are definitely needed to be trust, or I’ll end up regretting not listening to my own intuition time and again. The world we now live in is filled with people waking up to their own potential, and many spiritual coaches or life coaches are plenty to offer their services, however we need to be discerning on who we give power to tell us how to live our lives. Our self-agency is about our innate knowing on who we can put trust in, otherwise it would be no different to the patriarchy system that is crumbling down in this era that wants us to follow their doctrines. There is no one outside of ourselves that knows more than our own higher selves on what is best for our lives. That is our self-agency.
