Come 30 Mar 2025, it would have been 3 months of rural living in NZ. I am still in transitions. The last Full Moon Eclipse and Autumn Equinox (down here in the Southern Hemisphere) has gotten to me. While remembering my wish to get here 2 years ago during the Spring Equinox in 2023, I reflect on how far we’ve come. We’ve fought to get here, and also literally fought several times in the family about so many things. All lessons to learn and to embody in this human life. Many days I wake up thinking how did we get here? Was it really already pre-planned by the Universe that we are meant to be here? For how long will it be? 3 months is not long enough for me to know everything, there’s still so much more to discover, but I have learned some things during this time.
My childhood issues of worthiness was bought to the spotlight to be healed. A traditional Rongoā Māori healing session reviewed that its time for me to let go of the lack of worthiness that was instilled by my mother since I was a child. Nothing I do was ever good enough, there will always be criticisms, and no matter how hard I try to do my best, it’s never enough. Now, it has been translated into me trying to do so much to keep the household going, cleaning, washing, cooking, non-stop, and the overwhelming frustrations of feeling my children never helping enough. The cycle continues. The resentment breeds. So it is up to me to break this cycle now. To remember that I am worthy, even if I do nothing. To remember that my worth is not measured by what I do. To remember that my children are worthy even if they do nothing to help me at all. I noticed that this also translates into my work, in my sessions. I tend to over give more than is required in my sessions. Perhaps it is not a bad thing, but I question the motive behind it now. What am I trying to proof? Who am I trying to impress? And if I do just enough, will that be enough for the clients? Energy is reciprocal, and it has to be. Perhaps I was feeling drained because I gave too much of myself, and not getting enough energy exchange back, and I just constantly gave out of goodwill, without realising that I am depleting myself. Now, I am learning. Learning to protect my own energy reserves better. Learning to have more self-compassion for myself and not just my clients. Learning to have compassion for my children, who after all are still children and do not know better. I learned boundaries too. To remember that I have my limits, and to recognise when it is stretched, or crossed.
I also learn that there is much history to the Māori culture than what we can find online, and that life in NZ is not a bed of roses. Ask anyone about the medical healthcare system here, you’ll end up getting a lot of angry hating comments. It is not a good situation is all I can say, and we gotta try our darnedest not to fall sick here, because it is impossible to get doctor appointments when you need it. There is perhaps also some history about foreign people buying homes in NZ, that is causing either property prices to go up, and creating homeless issues for the locals. I have not dig up more about this yet, but I know in time, it will surface. All I know is, I did not come here with intentions to make anyone homeless. We came here to build our dream, and how that will go in time, it’s an unknown future. My dream does not consists of living in a big house in the middle of nowhere. My dream is to build community where I am, to offer my sounds & my authenticity to those who are willing to receive. Having a house with the space to do so helps facilitate this dream. To those who wants to judge, I have no control over, but I can only offer my heart & friendship to you if you’re willing to accept. This is where I set my boundaries.
On a lighter note, I’ve finally made some progress on getting some pictures of the new studio & nature spaces we offer here when you come for your healing sessions. There seems to be so much I wish to do, but an unknown fear of not knowing how it will be received in the community is stopping me from putting things out there. Perhaps I just need a stronger nudge from the Great Spirit to assure me that what I wish to do is the right thing to do, instead of worrying about how things will unfold. This is what being in transitions feels like. The urge of wanting vs the actual doing. The unknown future is such a downer causing stress and unwanted worrying isn’t it? How are the Eclipses & Equinoxes energies doing for you?
