Ever since the last full moon eclipse in Leo, something within me kept surfacing. What am I doing here? Like literally, I know I’m chasing my dreams like a true blue Capricorn would, but seriously, is this right for me here? These questions arose because I am used to productivity and efficiency. While I’m happy to slow down my pace to truly live to enjoy life, I also crave a strong sense of growth, actual steady growth. The measure of growth though can vary from Individuals, and personally, I have been hoping to grow to a stage where doing what I love can sustain me financially. Unfortunately, after doing my accounts for the last year has saddened me. I have not grown financially from where I left off in Singapore, but instead deteriorated vastly. I know I have grown emotionally, mentally and spiritually from the services offered since I got here, but I have not grown financially. It does honestly make me sad and question what am I doing wrong?
Moving countries and starting a new life over can be so isolating and lonely, and while I see my children thriving and happy making new friends, I found it challenging at my age to make new connections that are heartfelt. The only time I have real connections is when I am holding space for the people joining my events, and that makes my heart so full, but when the circles are over, and people left, I can’t help but feel a pang of loneliness. Being a Capricorn, I don’t need many friends, and I learned that I am ambitious by nature. While I do not enjoy competition with others, I can’t help but compete with myself from yesterday. Am I doing better than yesterday? Am I doing better than last year? When my business accounts show that I am not doing better than last year, it saddens me.
The energies of the Leo eclipse highlighted my 8th house of rebirth and transformation, as well as my 2nd house of self-worth, core values and finances. It begs me to look at how I am looking at my own sense of self-worth, and what I am offering. I like to think that my services are valuable, and worthy, and I give more than 100% of myself every session, and I am trying not to let my own self-worth value be diminished by the unbalanced financial input to my services. But I cannot help but feel demoralised by the fact that maybe I’m just not needed as much here, but if not here, then where will I go? After all, we just started over in a new life, in a new country. Do I really have the energy to start over again in a new place?
I love my home, my land, my animals, my river, my bush, and I love being outside making little garden improvement projects for the bigger picture to come. I actually love being a hermit in my own space here, but one has to ask, is this enough? Maybe it is the natural tendency of any human being to be insatiable. One can have everything in life, and yet still feel like we are missing something, somewhere. Or perhaps it’s only the Capricorn in me wreaking havoc with my mind, wanting to be better than I was, needing to be improving constantly, therefore resulting in never having a moment of peace, because my mind is constantly churning new ideas, new questions asking what could be better, what now, what’s next? That is why I said my mind is fucked. The only time my mind is not thinking about new things, is when I am actually learning new music, practicing my handpan, or new drumming compositions, playing any instruments to take my mind off its pressure of churning up new ideas. When the mind is focused on music, everything else silence itself.
There is also a whole generation of us having our Chiron return, and mine hits 5th house in Taurus. The wounded healer having wounds surfacing in one’s worthiness, creativity, inner child play, questioning if I had played enough, create enough, worthy enough. This also nudged the inner child in me to want to pursue more musical passions, learning new instruments, perhaps something I was deprived of as a child, yearning to play music.
Are you a Capricorn Rising or have your Chiron return, and do you resonate with our traits? We can be so hardworking and so ambitious, at the detriment of our own sanity. I would love to hear your story and how you are coping with this incessant need to grow better than yourself yesterday. Write me.
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