Sometimes I write just to clear my head, sometimes I write because I can’t shut up about something that needs to be said, but mostly I write in order to understand my own thoughts better. As if putting them onto black and white will sort out whatever chaos that goes in my mind, at least that’s my hope. But maybe, just maybe, I find it a tad easier to write, than to speak to be understood. I have always love reading, but in modern days since the invention of the computer and internet, reading time became more of a luxury. I have grown from reading romantic novels, to parenting books, to self-development books. You can see how my life transition through the books I read. I used to dream of writing romantic novels too. I thought that would be a retirement dream, sitting in front of a window facing the beach, with 10 Shih Tzu pups lying around my feet like little rugs as I venture to write my romantic novel. Since I became a mother, that dream became well, just a dream that is fast fading. So blogging in a way, is my little escape into my own writing endeavours. To perhaps satisfy that little craving to write something substantial. That I might mean something.
This past International Women’s Day, I started listening to my first audio book on Spotify during a roadtrip, and it was a book I’ve been wanting to read for a long time but never could sit down with the right mind, space and time to finish it. ‘If Women Rose Rooted’ by Sharon Blackie. It was a book introduced by a sister who ironically destroyed our friendship because she felt threatened by me and what I do. It took me sometime to get over her, and I am finally feeling much at peace about her now. This is not an easy read, but listening to it while stuck in a car with 3 kids behind on a roadtrip actually made the ride much more productive in a way. See I am wired for efficiency, a negative trait from a Singaporean, born and raised for more than 40 years on The Little Red Dot. Something that I am consciously working on releasing is my need to be productive, or efficient, to actually mean that I am worth something if I am doing something. This is how we have been raised in the city. You are only worthy if you are producing something worthwhile. While this book speaks exactly to how the patriarchy system has created generations of women who are still trying to find their way back to themselves, their voice, their identity, to break free from the hidden chains of patriarchal oppression in all aspects of their lives, regardless of where they come from and where they live. The beginning chapters made me angry, it literally made me edgy on my seat and being stuck in a car, unable to move much, I could feel my body tensing up the more I listen to the story. As I dive deeper, I became more aware of when it hit me. When the Sharon seems to be speaking about my life. The mother who wasn’t cut out to be an Earth Mother, but a Creative Rainbow Mother who feels the NEED to be free, to be free from the chains of what is expected from her, based on the role model of a Mother by unsaid expectations of the system. The mother who cooks, cleans and raises wonderful children, while maintaining perhaps a full time job that pays the bills. Fuck me. I am not that kind of mother, but I strive to be because that’s what the society expects it, isn’t it? Here I am. Still feeling stuck in the god damn patriarchy system.
The book explores the journey of Sharon’s life interwoven with myths and tales from Celtic mythology & real life women who fought the system to be free. Free from the wasteland of civilisation, and how the system tries to make us less than. It gave me so much to think about, and honestly resonated with my own phase of life now. It made me question my own sense of belonging, of where home truly is. It talks about finding the connection to the land, preferably the land we were born into. That made me sad. Because I feel utterly no connection to my homeland apart from a few National Day theme songs that I could still remember singing when I was a child. Oh I could remember feeling the pride back then as I sang along every time the music videos of the songs came on TV. The older I grew, the more lame it got, the more disconnected I became to the land I was born. In my early 20s, I started to question the purpose of it all. Why do we end up chasing the same goals of 5Cs – cash, car, condominium, credit card, career? I did not enjoy living towards that kinda life goals. So I pursued the alternative, thinking that by going into the film and television industry, it’ll be a different kinda life. Except that I got burnt out, and realize it’s not that different after all, and worst, we can’t ever earn enough money in that slogging industry of sleepless nights and overnight filming schedules. It was indeed a wasteland as Sharon had described.
Fast forward to motherhood, which is my descent into the underworld. I gave up my career to become a SAHM, only to get burnt out again after 7 years of full time mothering. Damn did I lose myself by becoming a martyr trying to be a cool homeschooling mum, hosting messy play dates and all. I am still recovering from all that to be honest. Sick and tired of the concrete shoe boxes we live in, we finally made the move at the end of 2024, which is really only not too long ago. So here I am, surrounded by nature, accumulating our animals, 2 dogs, 7 hens, 1 peacock and 7 sheep (now 6 as Aroha passed on my birthday last year), uncountable goldfishes, we try to make a new life here, in a new home, in a new country. I was feeling quite upset with my life just before reading this book to be honest. Living a rural lifestyle at the end of the world, slogging my time and energy to tend to the veggie gardens, feeding the sheep, grocery shopping, cooking, laundry, all that domestic chores that was once handled by our domestic helper back in Singapore, I had little time left for myself, to do what I love, and without any real, honest friends I can vibe with or lament to. 6 months into rural life, I made myself put events out there. I needed the community. I wanted to jam with like minded people who understood the joy of music making in community. I haven’t found any. I managed to get some work, some events were full, a lot got cancelled because no one signed up. I had to suck it up and keep on moving. Blindly trusting that whatever events meant to happen will happen with the right people coming. I became disappointed and disillusioned with my life here. I didn’t feel like this was home anymore. I was not sure how long we could be here for. My marriage was also on shaky grounds.
Reading this book gave me back perspective. A new found inspiration to look into understanding this land that called me here to live in this period of my life. To learn more about its history, culture, community, geology, and ecology of where I actually am. If anything, it made me more grateful for the fact that I have my own private bush walk and river that I can escape into whenever I need to find my answers out in the wild. Yes, a part of me truly believes that the answers I seek, are out there in the forest, in the waters that flow through our land. The Spirits of the forest and the Spirit of the river holds me when I am overwhelmed. I always feel more nourished, and nurtured after a walk into the bush. While I may not have gotten all the answers I seek, I now understand better what I have to do to remember myself, my story, my sense of belonging in this world, finding my way back home to myself. Self-inquiry is best done in nature, in the wild. I have lotsa questions yet to be answered, and I can only find them within, when I start listening to the sounds in nature, and when I hang out with my animals. They are my allies, and maybe, just maybe, they might know me better than I know myself.
PS: Thank you Sharon Blackie for writing this book for the women in the world, to find ourselves and our connection back to who we are.
